Tips to Overcome Impostor Syndrome

“I have written eleven books, but each time I think, ‘Uh-oh, they’re going to find out now. I’ve run a game on everybody, and they’re going to find me out.'” – Maya Angelou 

I started a new job in December 2019 in a different field of law than the one I was practicing before. Starting a new job is always difficult, but I don’t think I expected the transition to make me feel so…well, new. I’m totally new to this type of law and I haven’t been the new kid anywhere in a while. There are so many things that I don’t know yet – both in substantive law and in the office procedures.

I don’t like it. As a type A personality, I very much like to be in full control of myself and my actions.  Not knowing what I’m doing has caused me an abundance of stress lately.  Most of this stress is self-imposed because I have a difficult time asking for help when it’s easily available to me. It’s safe to say that I’m writing these tips for myself as much as I am for you.

Before I begin, I want to quickly explain what impostor syndrome is. To me, impostor syndrome is the feeling we all get when we feel we are not adequately qualified to do something but are being asked to do it anyway. We feel that we are going to be discovered as a “fake” or a “fraud” because we don’t truly know what we are doing. So without further ado, here are a few things you can try when you feel like you’re bound to be figured out as an impostor (Which you’re really not. Trust me).

• Prepare and Over-Prepare
  • Whenever I feel like I don’t have a handle on what I’m doing, I take as  much time as I can to prepare and then prepare some more. Sometimes that means doing things that may sound a little silly. For example, if you have a presentation or a client meeting, you can write out exactly what you’re going to say. I mean, every little thing. From the first word that’s going to come out of your mouth (like, Hello, how is everyone doing?) to how you’re going to move around the room. Then practice it out loud. Then practice it some more. Practice in your car and in the shower. If you’re learning how to do something, write it down and go over it as many times as you need to to learn it.
  • When I first started going to court, I had to write down every single thing in paragraphs that I wanted to say to the judge. It takes a long time, but it works. Preparing as much as we can gives us as much control as we can have over a situation. You’ll feel less like an impostor and more like you’re in charge because you’ve rehearsed and you know the subject matter. However, understand that you will never be fully prepared for every single thing that is going to be thrown your way. Accept that now, and think about how you’re going to handle it or what you will say when something unexpected comes up.

• Keep a Word Document of All the Successes You’ve Had
  • I picked up this tip from an Instagram account I can’t remember the name of now, but I thought it was so clever. Marie Forleo calls it a “Hype File” in her book, “Everything is Figureoutable.” You wouldn’t be where you are today without having some success on your journey. Remember that paper you wrote that was chosen for publication or that presentation you gave that you kicked ass at? Maybe it was a compliment someone gave you that really stuck with you. Maybe it was an event you  were asked to speak at or some small win that you know means you made some progress. Whatever it is, write (or type) it out so that you have an actual tangible record of it. Whenever you feel like you’re not doing enough or you’re unqualified, read that document and remind yourself that hey, maybe you do know a thing or two and maybe you are a badass after all. Screw those impostor vibes when you have full on proof that you’ve seen your share of success in the past and this situation is no different.

• Remember That Nobody Really Knows What They’re Doing
  • There are a few people who are going to be complete experts in the area you’re trying to excel at, but the majority of us are out here just trying to figure it all out as well. It seems like everyone is comfortable and in complete control of what they’re doing, but that’s only because none of us are really walking around bragging about our insecurities and how lost we feel in actuality. Nobody is sharing the shame. Even those who are experts now started off as beginners. Remember to be patient with yourself and think about the progress you’ve made. One thing that helps me is to think about my progress in short increments. Two weeks ago I couldn’t do or didn’t know many of the things I know today. Even if those things are small, like the process for sending out mail from the office for example, those are still new things that you didn’t know how to do not that long ago. And look at you go now!

• Ask for help when you need it 
  • Asking for help when you need it not only sounds logical, it sounds easy. So then why is it so hard? It’s probably because it puts us in a state of vulnerability. Asking for help means admitting that you don’t know something, and we don’t like acknowledging that. It makes us feel insecure. But asking for help is a good thing. It means you’re willing to put yourself in that vulnerable position and you’re not afraid of it. It takes courage to ask for help and put yourself out there, so practice courage and reach out. Plus, people usually welcome questions and they’re willing to help more often than not.
  • Especially in a job setting, it’s a good thing to ask questions rather than staying on the surface level of things. It’s safe to say your supervisor will be pleased you truly want to know how to do something and do it correctly rather than putting in your best guesses and doing the work all wrong. You get out of something what you put in, so look at your questions as a means of improving yourself and the quality of your work. Extra tip: Keep a sticky note on your desktop with all your questions to keep them all in one place. Then, bring them up at your check-in meetings or suggest a meeting where you will ask all your questions at once. This ensures that you’re ready to go in one fell swoop rather than constantly asking questions sporadically.

• Provide Value and Stop Focusing on Your Ego
  • Our egos are very fragile things. We frequently get caught up in the thoughts in our heads that revolve around ourselves. “How will I look if I don’t know the answer?” or “What will everyone think if I don’t do this correctly?” or “Will everyone think I’m not smart enough to complete my task?” Help others or remember why you’re here – to help others. The self-involved questions are endless! But what if we focused on something else? What if we focused on the whole reason why we’re here to begin with or why we started something. Wasn’t it to make a difference or to help others? For example, as an attorney, I have to remind myself that all the work I’m doing isn’t for my own benefit but for that of my client’s. My client isn’t going to care or be affected by my ego trip – they’re going to be affected by the work that I do on their case. If you’re a teacher, your students aren’t going to be affected by your self-criticism. They’re going to be affected by what you teach them.
  • Remember that at the end of the day, you are most likely trying to make the world a better place and there is nobility in that. There is absolutely no reason why you should feel like you’re not good enough to do so. The world needs your creativity, your expertise, your thoughts, your hard work in what you believe in, so start helping and stop focusing on your ego-maniacal thoughts.

• Stop Comparing Yourself to Others 
  • Sometimes during our meetings at work, I listen to other attorneys discuss cases and I have NO. IDEA. WHAT. THEY’RE. TALKING. ABOUT. And I sit there feeling very out of place and very much in awe of their discussions and the amount of knowledge they possess on certain subjects. Then, I wonder if I’ll ever know that much about the law and be an expert in my field. After that, I feel bad about myself because I am absolutely certain they made a mistake when they hired me and any day now they’re going to figure out I’m a fraud and fire me. Dramatic enough for you? Or familiar? One day I decided to ask some of these attorneys how long they had been working in this field. Their answers ranged from six to eleven years. YEARS! And then it hit me. I just started. I’m a novice. Hopefully, one day I will obtain just as much knowledge as they have, but for now, it’s absolutely futile to compare myself to them. There is no comparison, plain and simple. Remember that.
  • When it comes to comparison to others, I can’t not mention social media. These days, it is incredibly easy to compare ourselves to the people we see on the internet. Don’t fall for this! Social media is for the highlights and the good stuff. Few people are posting their struggles. We are only seeing what other people want us to see, so why get down in the dumps about not being where they are? We all have something unique to offer, we all have our own perspectives. Someone is ALWAYS going to be doing better than we are. That’s just a fact. But you have to respect your own experience. Comparison is the thief of all joy. (I’m not sure who said that, but it makes a lot of sense).

• Making Mistakes Does Not Make You A Fraud
  • We are SO afraid of making mistakes! We’re absolutely terrified of them. But guess what? We’re going to make mistakes. Period. It’s better to accept that now than to try to fight it. But there is nothing wrong with making mistakes. Mistakes are part of the learning process. They mean you’re trying. Trying to do something correctly does not make you a fake or a fraud. Things will go wrong, but that just comes with the territory. There is no need to dwell on a mistake. Accept it, learn from it, and move on.

At the end of the day, we have all experienced impostor syndrome in one way or another. The most important thing to do is to acknowledge the feeling and then move past it. Understand that you are not an impostor and your rational fears are sometimes manifested in this way, but don’t let it take control over you. You’re in charge here. You know much more than you think you do.

End of the year lessons on traveling alone by Krishna De La Cruz

As 2019 comes to a close I am reminiscing on my favorite accomplishments this year. One of the scariest yet most rewarding things I did was travel alone for the first time.

About two years ago I felt like everything had fallen into place for me after a lot of work, and I couldn’t see how anything could go wrong. Then, of course, life happened. I got some earth-shattering news that turned life as I knew it completely upside-down. Though things are better now, it’s taken me a lot of work to deal with the aftermath and  get to where I am today. Having had the rug swept from under me really forced me to look within myself and desperately want to grow as a person and be better to everyone around me, especially those I love. As part of my growth, I decided to create new personal challenges by doing things I wanted to do, but was afraid of doing. Traveling alone sounded so daunting, but it was something I really wanted. I’d grown up traveling with my family every year and it was something that meant a lot to me and that I saw as a bonding experience. Because I’d traveled a lot, I thought traveling alone was doable for me and I really wanted to know what it felt like to just be completely alone in a completely different place and survive.

On turning an idea into a reality

The idea of traveling alone came to me at the end of 2018 and I decided to write it down in my journal, in which I’m also writing this, and I’ve written a shit-ton this past year (highly recommend). I was absolutely terrified of actually doing it on my own, but wrote the idea down with hopes that putting it out into the universe would somehow make it more real. A couple of months later, I picked the place—Portland, Maine—the original yet lesser-known of the Portlands. It seemed like a small enough place that I could get around without much transportation, and feel safe. And I’d seen pictures of its autumn on socials, and it looked beautiful. I’d never seen a New England fall, which I’d wanted to do ever since I was little and saw pictures of deciduous forests in geography textbooks.

Once I’d written it down, I started talking to people about going on this trip. I acted as if I was going even though I was still scared and had no intention of actually booking the flight any time soon. Again, I figured that putting the words out into the world would make it more real, make it actually happen eventually. And it did.

It took me about 8 months to actually do it, but one day in August, a whole eight months after first writing it down, I woke up one morning and I booked the flight for September, around my birthday. A gift to myself. I have no idea when the fear left me or when I started to feel ready to do it, but it just happened.

Portland

All I can say about Portland is it’s beautiful, quiet, peaceful, quaint, oh so cool, and it changed me, like any new experience does.

I journaled a lot while there, I hiked, I walked the ins and outs of town until my feet hurt, I laid on the grass in the sun, I sat on a bench by the seaport and listened to a man play saxophone, I read, I ate lobster, I stayed at a BnB of my dreams, I cried, I laughed, I stood at the top of a lighthouse and looked out into the ocean. I also firmly believe I brought the Texas heat with me because it was an unusual 80 degrees for the time of the year. I promptly watched the sunset every night and went to bed early. My favorite two experiences though were getting stranded at Wolfe’s Neck Woods State Park and sitting on the Western Promenade every evening to watch the sunset.

On getting stranded and surviving

Yes, one of my worst nightmares came true on this trip. I got stranded at a state park with no phone or car. But it was one of my favorite things because I learned I can survive. I’d wanted to do some hiking, but had not rented a car since I didn’t really need one, so I took a 30 minute Lyft to this park. There were plenty of people hiking and even a school bus with kids that were on a field trip. I felt pretty safe but somewhat on alert. I had overestimated my phone which now had low battery and I didn’t have a charger. My phone died about a mile into my hike, but not before I got to sit on some rocks by the ocean and get to truly admire the park’s beauty. I knew I had to get back to the main entrance and start figuring out how I was going to get back into town. My goal was to find a park employee. The walk back to the main entrance was only a mile and a straight shot. I retraced my steps on high alert the entire time. What if I don’t find help? I was truly alone. There was no one I trusted. But yet this is what I’d wanted for myself. I wanted to be truly alone somewhere I’d never been before and I wanted to survive it. Eventually I did find a park ranger named Andy—an older gentleman who had worked at the park for almost 30 years. He helped me get back into town where I was able to charge my phone and get a Lyft back to my BnB. The lesson I learned from this experience was—you’ll survive. Just stay focused, stay calm, think logically, and buy a phone case that doubles as a charger (I have one now!).

On watching the sunset

Watching a sunset in Portland is an event. Every evening, people walk outside their homes toward a grassy area by the bay called the Western Promenade. They sit on the grass, alone or with others, and just look at it in silence. So I did it, too. It’s hard not to compare this event to the city life that I’m used to—where the sunset is always just in the background of whatever else you’re doing that evening. In Portland, the sunset is the thing to do. It made me want to be more mindful of it here in Texas. Texas has such beautiful sunsets and I think I have to stop and enjoy them more. Portland is a quiet town but its message couldn’t be louder: stop, slow down, and be present.

As I sat on the grass watching the sunset, I put my earphones in and I started writing in my journal. I wrote was I was seeing, what I was feeling, what I was thinking because the moment was so beautiful and I was alone and I didn’t want to forget it. I cried because in that moment I felt so accomplished and all I had was the sunset and that was enough. The lesson I learned from this experience was appreciate the world’s beauty and recognize your own milestones. Despite how hard life gets, the world is here for you and life is so beautiful.

 

MEET THE AUTHOR

Krishna de la Cruz is currently an attorney living in Austin, Texas. She grew up on the Texas-Mexico border in Rio Bravo, Tamaulipas and the Rio Grande Valley. She received a Bachelor of Arts in English with a Minor in Spanish from Texas State University in 2014 and Juris Doctorate from St. Mary’s University School of Law in 2017. While in law school, she was an Executive Editor on the The Scholar: St. Mary’s Law Review for Race and Social Justice where she wrote an article focused on the issue of violence against women, particularly women of color. The article is titled “Exploring the Conflicts within Carceral Feminism: A Call to Revocalize the Women Who Continue to Suffer.” During law school, she traveled to Guadalajara, Mexico, where she was certified in Mexican Legal Studies at Universidad de Guadalajara.

In her spare time, Krishna enjoys reading, journaling, and hiking Austin trails. Krishna is a big enthusiast of mental health, mindfulness, physical wellness, and her Mexican heritage.

How to get over a break-up (Or some ideas on how to try)

There’s no sugar coating it. Break-ups suck. They FUCKING suck. Whether the break-up is mutual or not, break-ups are bound to cause you some (maybe a lot of) heartache. They will definitely cause a change you may or may not welcome. And they will cause a shit-ton of confusion. And ain’t nobody got time for that.

Because I am a huge nerd, whenever I have gone through a break-up I have desperately wished a how-to book on how to get up and get over your now ex-partner existed. Now that I’m a little older and just a little tiny bit wiser, I have made some realizations about this whole break-up mess that have helped me power through the heartbreak and endless barrage of questions.

I obviously know that everyone’s breakup is different. Thus, this article will only help so much. Unfortunately, by the time you finish reading this article, you will not be over your ex (but here’s to hoping). These are things that worked for me. Some may help you, some may make you say, “You have no earthly idea what you’re talking about.” All your reactions are okay. And it’s totally okay that you are here in the middle of this moment of what feels like despair in your life. It’s all going to be okay, I promise. (Cue all your “fuck off” eye-rolling reactions here, but keep reading).

1. The beginning of the end is the hardest, and it will get worse before it gets better. Accept that now.You’re here. It happened. Shit has hit the fan and you are now forced to have everything around you change. There’s no running away from it. So embrace it. The scariest part is the unknown, not the actual being alone part. I’m not going to lie. Typically, it’s going to hurt more and harder before you start feeling better but if you’re armed with that knowledge now, you won’t be surprised by it. Be comforted by the fact that it happened and guess what? The world didn’t stop spinning. You didn’t stop breathing. You didn’t lay down and give up. It hurts like a bitch, but you’re still standing.
2. Spend a lot, a lot, A LOT of time with people you love and who love you back. Did I mention a lot?
3. Reconnect with YourselfRemember who you were before this break-up. Remember who you wanted to be. Remember who that little girl or little boy or little human dreamed of becoming. Are you still in touch with that dream? What can you do to get back to it?
4. Reconnect with old friends and acquaintances. Hell, make some new friends!I feel that I have always been blessed in the friendship department. I do have a lot of friends I love and that have stuck by my side. And thank goodness that they chose to stick with me. Whether it’s intentional or not, when you’re in a relationship, you tend to neglect your friends more often than not. At least I did. I neglected them entirely too much. But when I came out of the relationship, my friends didn’t miss a beat. They were there to catch me when I felt like shit. They made me laugh. They didn’t call me out for not hanging out with them as often as I used to. And that made me love them even more.
5. Try things you’ve never done before or things you’ve always wanted to tryTry a new recipe (or just learn to cook something if you’re anything like me in the kitchen) or take up learning to make cool cocktails or sign up for classes to learn how to play an instrument. Just get out of your head and busy yourself with something new.
6. Ask yourself who and what kind of person you want to become.Then spend a lot of time discovering ways to become this – your highest and best self. Journaling helps so that you don’t forget your goals and ideas. Talking to a therapist helps. Meditating helps.
7. Try not to date right away.Go back to #6. You can’t figure out who your highest, bestest true self is if you’re sharing your time and amazing personality with someone else. Remember, in order to give to others, you must be overflowing yourself.
8. Don’t tell yourself you’re over him/her/they if you are not. It’s okay not to be.You’ll get there. The day will come when they are not the first thing that pops into your head in the morning. There is no rush to be over this person. Take your time healing. Also, remember that healing is not a fast, magical, relaxing time. Healing is painful and dirty and hard. But healing makes you stronger.
9. Don’t call them. Don’t stalk their socials. Out of sight, out of mind. Stalking them will never bring you joy, so why even do it? Block, block, block!
10. Work on that negative thinking so you don’t get eaten alive by anger/negativity/depression/sad shit in general!Okay, I’m going to get a little personal here, but I have to do so in order to explain how this vital step works. When I started recognizing that I was finally getting over my break-up, I began noticing that little venomous thoughts about my ex would creep into my brain. These thoughts would then snowball into more and more negative thoughts until I was fucking pissed about things I remembered or some new scenario I had created in my head that wasn’t even real. Then I would get mad at myself because I would remind myself that THIS RELATIONSHIP IS OVER AND NONE OF THIS MATTERS AND I WASTED TIME EVEN THINKING ABOUT THIS. Other times, just my ex’s name would pop into my head and a slew of curse words would follow because I was livid. Again, I felt angry at my waste of energy on these thoughts. It was a vicious cycle.
    • I began to be more patient with myself. When a negative thought came into my mind, I tried to catch it as early as possible, take a deep breath, and tell myself it’s okay to feel angry but I had to let this thought go. Imagine your thoughts are like clouds. You can’t control them as they come into your head, but you can control how much you focus on them. Just because a thought comes into your brain, it doesn’t make it true. Make it a point to observe these “clouds” and just let them pass by.
    • Bonus challenge: I talked to my therapist about this and she encouraged me to take it even one step further. Whenever I had a negative thought and my anger would come tumbling out right after it, rather than just observing my feelings and moving on with my day, she told me to stop and also ask myself, “Why do you feel this way?” Then I had to answer my question so I could validate my feelings. For example, if I thought, “Homeboy is a really bad dude” (but in much more explicit and unsavory terms that I will not get into here) then I had to answer, Why is he a bad dude? And then I would think, “Because he did or didn’t do so and so and it really hurt my feelings.” I know this sounds like a lot of work, but this process helped me realize that my feelings of anger were justified and understanding why I was angry also helped me realize that sad part of my life is over and I’m content right where I am because I no longer have to deal with it.
11. Talk to a Therapist.I honestly don’t shut up about this, I know. I’ve talked about finding a therapist before. You can check out that article here if you’d like.
12. Just be sad.My biggest problem has always been the fear of sitting still in the silence and letting the waves of sadness completely wash over you. That sounds poetic, but it’s actually the most hurtful shit ever. You gotta feel it to heal it. And, again, a lot of us are under the impression that healing is magical and full of candles and incense and flowy clothing. But healing is hard work. It’s dirty and rough and you have to dig through the mess to find the root of your pain to make that pain stop. Allow yourself to be vulnerable. Allow yourself to sit with your heartbreak, because if you don’t, it will catch up to you and manifest itself one way or another, in multiple different ways. It can manifest itself through misplaced anger or in your next relationship. Some days are going to hurt like hell, and some moments are going to feel like you can’t even breath because it aches so much. Some days you’re going to cry more than you thought you possibly could. You will ugly cry, you will cry loudly, you will cry in the shower. Just accept it and let your body react the way it needs to. All of that excess energy needs to be released, so don’t be afraid of it. There is a misconception that to cry or to feel things equates to weakness, but I think that’s completely wrong. Allowing yourself to face that pain is what makes you brave. Knowing your heart is going to crack in different places and being courageous enough to say, “I’m still going to feel this and accept it and honor it” is what allows good change to happen. Growing up hurts, and accepting changes hurts. But being strong enough to endure it instead of running away from it is what makes all the difference and allows true healing to happen.
13. Forgive them and have compassion. This one is HARD! How do you forgive someone who  broke your heart and why would you even want to anyway?! Here are the answers: You forgive someone who broke your heart for yourself, not for them, and you forgive them by finding compassion for them. I still struggle with this, but it’s a constant battle I try to win. Staying angry with someone and refusing to forgive them is a slow poisonous death to you, not to them. Release that pain by remembering this person as a child – they know not what they do. I know that’s weird, but it’s easier to have compassion for someone when you remember we’re all just out here trying to do our best. You may not like this one, but I promise it’s the most rewarding one.
14. Be grateful.Be grateful for life. For your health. For every moment. Life is so beautiful and full of adventures. Don’t stay stuck in this one bad thing that happened. Learn from it, release it, and carry on being mindful that this will only help us grow.

 

The Truth About a Broken Heart

There’s something to be said for having a broken heart. A broken heart sucks, but it’s also a gateway to brand new beginnings. This may just be me, but the last time I had my heart broken (and it was really broken – I mean shattered), I also felt deep down a tiny tinge of excitement and relief. That may have something to do with the kind of relationship I was in, but regardless, I looked forward to what lay ahead in the unknown just a little bit.

Life can set us back in the most unexpected times and knock us down when we’re least expecting it. Instead of laying face down on the ground, though, we can take these experiences as opportunities to grow. And growing hurts. Growing isn’t easy, that’s why some people stay stuck in the place where they’re at for the rest of their lives. But we don’t have to stay stuck. We can make the decision to keep moving.

It sounds simple to tell someone to get back up and back in the game after a heartbreak. The truth is that it’s easier said than done. In order to keep moving, we have to take baby steps into the new unknown. There was a time when I was knocked down after going like what seemed 100 mph. I had been exercising consistently, eating cleaner, meditating daily. Basically, putting a lot of effort into really taking care of myself. Then the storm hit and I got thrown way off track. I barely had the energy to get out of bed without crying, let alone exercise, cook, meditate, and write. There have been times in the past when I got knocked down like this, and before I knew it, a year had passed me by and I was still not taking care of myself. I decided that wouldn’t be the case this time, and I would get back to my self-care habits. But I still didn’t have the energy to do so, and the pressure to get back to it just kept building.

What I realized during this time was that it takes a lot of tiny steps to start feeling normal again. Instead of jumping right back up and kicking it into high gear, we need to get up slowly. We need to dust ourselves off and start walking, not running. I did this by spending time by myself and re-aligning. By re-aligning, I mean I mostly sat around with my dog, read books, and watched (cried to) a lot of Queer Eye. Your re-alignment may look different, but all it is is to spend time doing something you love and that doesn’t require a lot of effort. You’ll get back into the swing of things eventually.

That’s not to say there won’t be fear and doubt that you’ll experience along the way. A broken heart takes time to heal, but that doesn’t mean you have to be sad the entire time. Change your perspective and find excitement in your new path. You’re going to have new adventures, meet new people, try different things. You get to meet yourself again, free of anyone or anything that was holding you back before. Even if you weren’t being held back, you still had someone to answer to. There was something to account for, but not anymore. And that’s a good feeling when you really think about it. You get to create yourself – who you are, what you like, what you wear, read, watch, etc. and creating is not boring. There will still be tough times, but you’re tough, too. A broken heart can show you just how strong, creative, powerful, independent, and compassionate you can be. Learn to embrace it and reconstruct slowly but accordingly.

Positive Self-Talk To Practice Daily

I know I’m not the only one who has the habit of calling myself “stupid” or “an idiot” whenever I don’t get something right. Negative thoughts are ingrained into our brains whether we make a conscious decision to think about them or not. Most of the time, these thoughts are so severe that we don’t even notice we’re saying them to ourselves.

We may not be able to control the negative messages as they pop into our heads, but we can learn to become aware of them and change them over time. It takes a lot of work to even become aware of these thoughts, but once you make the decision to notice them, you will. Slowly, but surely.

Here is a quick list of phrases you can start practicing today:

Instead of: calling yourself an idiot because you did something “wrong”…

Try saying: Everybody makes mistakes. I’m only human. My mistakes are part of my learning experience and they help me improve.

Instead of: calling yourself fat…

Try saying: I am grateful for this body that I have. I will do my best to take care of it. I am learning what I need to do to take care of my body.

Instead of: comparing yourself to others…

Try saying: I bring something different to the table, and that is [blank]. I accept myself as a unique and worthwhile person.

Instead of: thinking you are worthless…

Try saying: I have so much to offer. My life has meaning and purpose. I have a lot to be proud of.

Instead of: believing you have nothing to contribute or worth saying…

Try saying: My experiences are unique to me. Nobody else can speak about them, and only I can tell my story.

Instead of: convincing yourself you should be doing more or doing better…

Try saying: I am completely lovable just as I am today. I am enough here and now. I will continue to change and grow from a place of self-acceptance.

Instead of: saying you’re not smart enough…

Try saying: I will learn how to do this.

 

Letter to You- You Are Doing Great!

Hi there.

I know you are scrolling Instagram, double clicking away. Or maybe just lurking. Or maybe you’re comparing. We tend to do that a lot — compare ourselves to other people on the ‘gram. We compare our pictures, our bodies, our jobs, our families, all of it! Most of the time, we don’t even notice that we’re doing it.

I’m not here to tell you to stop it. You do you, boo. I’m just here to tell you to become aware of it so that it doesn’t become harmful to you. We fall into these traps where we see a flawless picture of someone or an award they post or a promotion someone just got and we think, I should be looking like that/performing like him or her/working as hard as they do. We think we need to be doing better or doing more. But why?

I’m here to tell you that you’re just fine just the way you are. You’re better than fine! You’re you! There is no other person out there that is you. Even if you’ve been sitting on your ass all day watching Netflix. Even if you haven’t washed your hair in six days. Even if you’re underweight or overweight or you just failed out of college or you don’t have a job right now. None of these things make you less worthy of love, appreciation, and compassion. There is no need to keep comparing ourselves to others to become better. Work on yourself, for yourself, and things will fall into place. I know this sounds very generic, but it’s also true. When we focus on ourselves, we begin to make things happen. We simply have to desire it enough to work for it.

Nobody is posting the struggles or shitty pictures on those Instagram squares. It’s only for the highlights, so there’s no need to feel bad over it. That shit about being “on” and looking flawless all the time is NOT real. You don’t need to look like anyone other than you. So relax, maybe wash your hair when you’re ready, and enjoy this life being yourself.

XO,

Dania

 

You Will Be Happy Again

Recently, I was reading through my journal. The first entry is from less than a year ago, but there’s a vast difference between that entry and my most recent entry. In my first entry, I was experiencing real heartbreak. I was sad and upset and hurt, but I was trying to keep my head up. I remember writing that entry. I remember where I was and how I felt. And it felt like absolute shit.

At the time, everything around me felt dark. It was heavy, and I was an emotional wreck. Fast forward to my most recent entries and you’d think a different person wrote them. I can’t stop gushing about how happy I am and how free I feel. It’s light, it’s positive, it’s exciting.

But what struck me the most is that when I wrote that first entry all those months ago, I was sure I wouldn’t get over my feelings of sadness and despair. I couldn’t imagine what being happy felt like. And yet, here I am — happier and more liberated than I’ve ever been in my life.

Isn’t it strange how time does heal wounds when you’re not thinking about them? Or when you are thinking about them twenty-four hours a day? Time is still working in your favor, no matter what. Yes, I’ve been working on myself these past few months, but no, it hasn’t been easy. It hasn’t been a great day every day. It’s been a roller coaster. And yet, I have made it past a really dark part of the forest.

I read a quote once that said I had to honor myself every day… every day is not the same so I cannot be the same every day either. We expect to feel a certain way every single morning that we wake up, but to expect ourselves to believe we do not change or go through several emotions as the hours go by is to restrict our feelings from working themselves out. It’s okay to feel and be different every day that you wake up.

So I’m just here to remind you – it may feel impossible today, but you will be happy again. It may feel like you’re never going to laugh again, but your stomach will hurt from rolling over with laughter one of these days. The day will come when you’re going to smile and it won’t be fake. You’ll feel that smile lighting up all of your insides.

Things get dark, but the sun rises every single morning. If you keep going, if you keep looking within yourself, and if you look back to see how far you’ve come, you’ll notice that you’re doing much better than when you started. Hopefully, you’ll also notice the time and space around you at this moment and how once, you may have prayed for all the things you have now. It’s a good day.

Tips for Dealing with Anxiety

I’ve suffered with anxiety for several years now, but significantly more so over the past five years. I’ll save my complete and comprehensive anxiety tale for another post and another day. For now, I want to share some of the things I have found helpful in my recent battles with anxiety.

Before I begin, I want to acknowledge that people suffer from anxiety at different levels. When my anxiety attacks are at their worst, I feel short of breath, paralyzed, and panicked. I feel as though my heart is going to beat out of my chest. If I’m alone, I’ll typically have crying spells that feel like they start out of nowhere. As I’ve learned (and am still learning) to cope with my anxiety, I want to emphasize that these coping methods work for me at different times. These are relatively simple and quick exercises that help ground me, but they are by no means a type of medical treatment. The best thing I did to learn how to cope was to seek out a professional therapist/psychologist. But more on that below.

Meditation

Yes, I know there is a lot of hype over meditation and mindfulness right now, but I’m here to say that I completely stand behind it. Ha! In no way, shape, or form am I a skilled meditator (is that even a thing?) nor even a consistent one. But, you don’t have to be to reap the benefits of this magical little exercise. I first came across meditation techniques when I was studying for my bar exam in 2017. Bar prep was one of the most fun times of my life…NOT! It was miserable and I hated every minute of it. It was, in fact, the saddest and most difficult time of my life thus far. During this time, my nerves and my anxiety were full blown out of control and I was willing to try anything to just get my breathing and thoughts under control. Enter the Calm app.

The Calm app offers free guided meditations for everything you’re feeling, from anxiety to procrastination to low self-esteem. I prefer guided meditations because A). I don’t know what the hell I’m doing, B). I need someone’s voice to lead me back to the meditation when my thoughts are wandering off, and C). I will likely fall asleep if I don’t hear someone’s voice while I have my eyes closed. Of course, they offer non-guided meditations. The best part of the app is that you can choose timed meditations, starting with one or two minutes. During bar prep time when every single second felt precious to me, these two-minute exercises cleared my mind and slowed down my breathing. It was also very soothing and I really began to look forward to these little gems of relaxation  time before starting my day or during study breaks.

Yoga

Again, during bar prep (I can’t emphasize enough how great this time was for me, y’all) I discovered how beautiful and helpful yoga was for me. I had tried yoga several times before and loved it, but it wasn’t until this period in my life that I also discovered how beneficial yoga was for my anxiety. There are several different types of yoga classes, but I recommend a beginner vinyasa class in a chill studio. I say chill because there are yoga studios and yoga classes that are more focused on fitness and stamina (and they are amazing!), but for someone like me, a full-out endurance type athletic event kind of yoga class will do the opposite of helping me relax.

At the time, I attended yoga with a very close friend of mine who is a yoga instructor and ran her own studio. And it was the chillest, y’all. It was typically in a little house with little candles everywhere and open windows and relaxing scents everywhere around sunset. THE BEST. But since everyone can’t meet at this little house for yoga with my friend (especially since she moved to Bali. Yes. Bali! I want her life!) there is an alternative: Yoga with Adriene.

Yoga with Adriene is a YouTube channel you can access for free and practice in the convenience of your home. Her videos range from just a few minutes to about an hour and you can pick and choose what you feel like doing. Because you’re at home, nobody will judge your yoga skills and you can make your little yoga area as chill as you please. I recommend candles and dim lights! Also, Adriene is the coolest.

Walk or Jog or Just Go Outside 

If you haven’t picked up on it by now, I’m here to tell you that I am not the most athletically inclined person you may come across. Exercising makes me feel good because I feel like I’m taking care of my body and showing myself some love. However, I am NOT the kind of person that’s like, “I’m going to do some cross-fit and then run seven miles to clear my head.” Um, hard pass. It takes a lot less than that for me to clear my head. More power to you if you are that type of person! I kind of wish I were that way sometimes, but pushing myself that hard makes the voices in my head louder as opposed to shushing them. For the rest of us, simply getting up and moving or just sitting outside is pretty relaxing in itself.

Take A Bath!

In all of the apartments and houses I lived in throughout the years, none of them had a bath tub until this past year. And now I can’t get out of the fucking bath tub. I LOVE being in there! If you are gloriously blessed with a bath tub, start taking baths immediately. I know you’re thinking, “Taking a bath is so basic and that is not going to make me feel any better.” I agree – that’s why you have to be super extra when you take a bath. I recommend lots of candles, dim lights, music,  bubbles, a book if you’re into reading, and bath bombs from Lush. These are the only bath bombs that I’ve found to be fully effective and invigorating and just plain fun to throw in the bathtub. They smell so good and look so pretty! I swear sometimes I’ve felt like I’m high just listening to “dreamy vibes” on Spotify and watching all the colors and glitter swirl together. Take a bath, like yesterday.

Find Professional Help

I know that there is still a stigma around seeking the help of therapist. However, sometimes I forget because I’m so open about the fact that I see a therapist. And I love it! I’ve seen my fair share of therapists and counselors and tried a range of treatments from hypnotism to cupping to acupuncture. If that makes me sound “crazy”, so be it. At the different times of these treatments, they were all helpful to me. They helped me find methods to cope and they calmed my nerves. Except acupuncture. I’m not sure if it helped me or not, but I just did not like it. And that’s okay! Different things work for different people.

The thing about having experimented with different counselors and treatments, which is not a good or bad thing, is that I was never consistent for more than a few months. Again, I sought what was available to me at the time and I think approaching the treatments with an open mind helped their effectiveness. Don’t be afraid to try something new!

If you are ready to commit to actually talking it out or seeing someone, I recommend searching on Psychology Today. This is where I found my current therapist, and she is amazing! I’ve actually stayed consistent with her.

A couple things about seeking professional help:

First, it is not going to be an easy process.

I think simply arriving at the decision of wanting to seek professional help is a HUGE step. It’s not easy deciding you may give talking to a complete stranger about your deep-seeded issues a try. Like, what the hell, right? You don’t even know this person! But, this is their job. They listen to strangers and they help them cope. They went to school for that. And we all have bat-shit issues. It’s not that big a deal.

However, once you do take the step of seeking out a professional, be advised that it may not be a match made in therapy heaven on your first try. Even though all of these therapists are willing to help you, you will not have that “chemistry” with just anyone you sit down with. If you choose to make an appointment, and then that appointment turns out to be complete shit and your therapist is a full on weirdo, TRY AGAIN. Do not give up just because it wasn’t everything you hoped for the first time. I know people are vulnerable and delicate during this time of their lives when they feel they need professional help, so it is easy to get scared away. But don’t. Keep looking until you find someone you are comfortable with.

Second, emphasize PROCESS.

Once you do find someone you’re comfortable opening up to, do not think that you’re going to attend one session and be cured of all your mental ailments. Let’s get real. You didn’t develop your issues overnight, so why would you expect to be rid of them overnight? Calm down, crazy! (Just kidding. We’re all a little crazy. Who cares?) It’s a slow process. Even after you’ve attended for a while and you’ve learned to recognize your problem areas, you are still going to have days when you throw everything you’ve learned out the window and mess up. It will feel like you are right back at square one, but trust me, you aren’t. Don’t give up on yourself or your process.

Pray It Out, Write It Out, Cry It Out

To end on a less intense note, just remember to pray it out, write it out, or cry it out. What that means is to essentially do anything your body feels like doing when you’re facing anxiety. For me, sometimes that means praying. Whether you pray to the Universe, to God, to Jesus, to Buddha, to Lady Gaga, or to Santa Claus, just pray if it makes you feel better. I like to think that God is looking out for me and I’m never completely alone. And that makes me feel safe.

Sometimes I have to write it out. (Hey, what’s up, that’s why I even started this blog). Writing is an outlet for me. Sometimes I have full on stories and poems just waiting to fall onto the page. Sometimes I just look up positives quotes on Pinterest and write those over and over so my brain can start to believe them. Maybe for you it is drawing or painting or singing. Whatever it is, get it off your chest and put it on something tangible. (Or sing really loud, since you know, singing isn’t tangible).

And finally, if you feel like crying, just. fucking. cry. I was a long time believer of the school of thought that preached that you have to hold tears in and never show weakness. And you know what happened when I did that? I ended up in therapy crying my ass off with needles sticking out of every inch of my body (acupuncture, remember?). There is no weakness in crying. Crying is a release. The more I would fight it, the more it would build up. Now, once I cry it out, I feel so much better afterwards. I can move on because all of those emotions are released. I don’t mean go cry at work or by yourself in a coffee shop like a weirdo. Just find a private place and let those tears out and don’t beat yourself up over it. It’s just an emotion and it is not indicative of the kind of human being that you are.

As cliche as it is, remember that tomorrow is another day so just take care of yourself as best as you can for now.